How Am I REALLY Feeling?
How Am I REALLY Feeling?
How am I really feeling? I think I avoid this question as much as I can because my moods are so up and down, it's hard to give an accurate answer. However, for you reader, I will try. Today, I am 37 day's sober (when writing this). I am on my fourth antidepressant in five weeks and my boyfriend has just gone back to work after some time off. I think my mood towards each part of my life is vastly different so, it is a bit more complicated than good or bad.
Sobriety. You know, I never knew it'd feel this good to not drink but it truly does. I thought I would be completely miserable sober, that I couldn't go through any difficult emotions without alcohol to fall back on. However, I have proven myself SO wrong. Being able to go through difficult emotions and to handle them without substance is the best part of this entire journey, I feel completely invincible. It really feels like I could do anything. As someone that lived to drink, I really wish their had been more awareness around being sober. It feels as if there is a massive community online but the platforms don't want to push sobriety because alcohol makes more money. I have not seen any books about sobriety on the shelves of book stores or supermarkets. I don't see any gifts that specifically target people who don't drink, yet there are a million and one gin and prosecco based gifts. I one hundred percent think that there should be way more discussion surrounding sobriety because this feels truly amazing.
Mental Health. Gosh this is the most difficult one I think. There are so many factors that go into how you feel mentally aren't there? I mean in terms of my sobriety and general mood, I feel nice right now. In terms of PTSD and anxiety, I don't feel great to be honest. I thought I was getting better but that's the thing about being mentally unwell... It is a rollercoaster. I really hate it when people think I am better because I have had a couple good weeks from what they have seen. I have suffered with diagnosed mental illnesses for nine years, I know how to come off as okay Infront of people if I need to. Reader, I can hear you telling me not to fake my mood Infront of others but to be honest, my entire life, I have felt entirely judged if I act how I really feel. I have had people tell me that others have it worse, that I am lazy, that I have had enough time to be sad and that I have to just get on with it now, I've been told to man up, to move on, that I am an attention seeker, etc... I have tried to be honest about how I feel but I just feel like my mental health makes other people uncomfortable, so I stay at home and feel all my feelings. The last time I put myself out there, these, amongst others, are the factors that made me break down.
If I am honest, I am feeling like a bag of mixed sweets. I am working on everything I have spoken about above. I see doctors regularly and my boyfriend is a great support. My sobriety was a big step in feeling better and for what it is worth, it is doing it's job. There are just a lot of other factors that I need to work on too right now. I feel lonelier and sometimes scared but I also feel more hopeful these day's. I am trying to look at this year with positivity and the hope that things will get better... one day at a time.
I know this post hasn't been as positive as others and I am sorry for that but my aim is to be very honest here and to you. Each person's mental wellbeing is different and I hope that if, like me, you are having a hard time, you reach out and get the help that you need... because things will get better for both of us.
Samaritans Number: 116 123 (UK)
988 Lifeline: 988 (USA)
Just incase anyone needs them. Sending massive love and support to you. Things will get better.
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